


How To Fund A War

by Ellionne



Series: Mad as a Hatter (Crack Collection) [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark Livestream, Crack Treated Seriously, Gratuitously Hot Voldemort, M/M, Pin Up Voldemort, Sane Voldemort (Harry Potter), Vintage Porn Magazines, fanfic of a fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:02:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29759343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellionne/pseuds/Ellionne
Summary: Assistant would never share with anyone what he found within the box.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Tom Riddle | Voldemort
Series: Mad as a Hatter (Crack Collection) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2194092
Comments: 31
Kudos: 108





	How To Fund A War

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dark Livestream](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20598710) by [Anna_Hopkins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anna_Hopkins/pseuds/Anna_Hopkins). 



> **Do NOT repost, recreate or translate.**  
>  Thanks to my beta [Sage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeuroWriter14/pseuds/NeuroWriter14) <3
> 
> I've got something special for you today, darling readers!  
> As my 30th fic and to hop over the 100k-words-overall mark I present to you: ✨ FANFICTION OF FANFICTION ✨  
>  ~~(ofc written with permission)~~
> 
> If you haven’t read Dark Livestream yet: DO IT.  
> Seriously, it’s an amazing read - _Crack treated seriously_ -fucking-gold, I tell you.  
> I guess you don’t _need_ to but I strongly recommend reading at least the first 11 chapters of it if you want to catch all the references.  
> The fic is also based on a prompt by the DL author although I took some liberties with it - you can find the prompt as usual in the endnote. 
> 
> Have fun, stay safe and thank you for all the reactions & support in the few months since I picked up writing <3

When Assistant had promised Sir to search his friend’s library for certain books, _Harry_ had expected to come face to face with the most interes- _vile_ things wizardkind had to offer - after all, what else would the Dark Lord be interested in? 

And while Sir couldn’t know about it, _Assistant’s friend’s library_ was none other than the infamous Black Library which was renowned for its vast amount of books with highly questionable content. The Black Library was said to harbour books with easy to follow step-to-step instructions on the Darkest Arts as well as some journals of various secret celebrities - Necromancers and Dark Lords alike. (And Dark Ladies, of course. A true connoisseur of the Dark Arts couldn’t forget about Lady Lilith without forsaking all self-respect. Her creations of Dark Creatures were inspiring to an extent that it even had Sir gushing in excitement at one memorable occasion.)

That being said, Assistant hadn’t expected _this_ when he curiously tried out his newly gifted mask with the enchantments of the Unspeakables’. Without it, his barely trained mage-sight hadn’t picked up on anything unexpected or particularly noteworthy but _with_ it, a previously half-rotten shelf at the far end of the library suddenly sparkled in multiple layered colours.

Transgressing the outer wards, Assistant hadn’t expected the copious amount of dust that should be counted as a defence all of its own and indicated that no one - not even Kreacher - had touched the shelf and its hidden contents for a few decades at least.

He hadn’t expected to find some of the most boring books one could imagine - _Gardening For Potioneers To Be; How To Train Your House-Elf; Tea Parties For The Noble Spouse…_ _  
_ Only with the mask, his mage-sight let him pick up on _Flobberworm Breeding - Practices Through The Ages_ and unearth the heavily cursed box from the hallowed within.

Assistant’s hands shook in excitement when opening the flat box required the careful use of all the tricks Sir had taught him, just so he wouldn’t risk his continued health - the curses were _vicious_. He anticipated to find some lost Black Family Secret that he could share with Sir, that would make the man smile in delighted joy but- 

Assistant would never share with anyone what he found within the box.

The content had been justified to be hidden away, Mrs Weasley would have a heart attack if she were to see it. It would be best for everyone if Assistant were to hold onto his discovery and guard it dutifully from prying eyes. 

Or rather, if _Harry_ did.  
After all, he pretended already to ‘be on the pull’ for older men so why shouldn’t he hold onto the stack of vintage magazines featuring men in all states of undress and- eh, _activities_? 

It was perfect, in fact. A great cover indeed.  
With how shifty Moody was getting as of late it was only a matter of time until he would - with or without Harry’s consent or Sirius’ permission - break into Harry’s room to gather information about Harry’s ‘concerning’ change of behaviour. 

Having some porn hidden away would do wonders for the credibility of the drastically increased _alone time_ in his room. It could also have the nice side effect of ridiculing Moody's instincts - the next time the man tried a stunt like that, people might even stop him from violating Harry’s privacy and delicate teenage feelings.

So really, it was the sensible thing to take those magazines to his room. It wasn’t as if Harry would _use_ them or something. He would just- make sure none of the children would stumble over them. Yes. He was respectable like that. A true Hero of the Light.

With great care, Harry wrapped the stack of magazines in the silk cloth Assistant had kept at hand for Sir’s cursed books and tucked the bundle under his arm, pressed it tightly to his side in the hope it wouldn’t be noticeable at first glance. Now was one of the rare occasions where Harry mourned his old wardrobe. It would have been a piece of cake to hide the magazines under Dudley’s cast-offs without arousing suspicion.

Harry left the library behind with wide but unhurried steps and focused his eyes on his phone. As usual, it was the perfect excuse to just absentmindedly murmur some greetings in response whenever someone tried to stop him for a chat. He sighed, relieved when he reached his room without a hitch. He was as good as safe, no one but him tended to be around this part of the house.

“What are you trying to smuggle into your room, Harry?”

No one but him _and Sirius,_ who recently had made a habit of cornering Harry every time he left the library. Dammit, Mrs Weasley.

“Uhm. Just some light reading material?”

“Sure, that’s why you’re handling it like one of the nastier books.” Sirius quirked an eyebrow. “Let me see what you’ve got there, Harry.”

Harry pressed the bundle securely to his chest. He had prepared himself for the _abstract_ possibility of someone eventually finding the magazines hidden in his room - not for straight-up presenting them to someone while he was forced to endure their initial reaction. 

He didn’t even know what kind of stuff there _exactly_ was printed in the magazines. With his damned Potter Luck, it was bound to be something more embarrassing than just some naked blokes.

“I don’t think-“

“ _I think_ you’ll now hand your book over, so I can take a look at it and put my worries to rest. As long as it isn’t something that _requires_ the amount of care with which you’re handling it, I might be persuaded to let you have it.” Sirius lost his stern expression and let out a deep sigh. “Look, I can understand the desire to rebel against rules and tap into something forbidden but Molly and Albus are worried you’re diving deep into the Dark Arts. And while I don’t think you’re on your way to becoming a Big Bad Dark Wizard, the books in the library are not all what they seem to be and they can be _dangerous,_ Harry. They might pull you in and warp your mind without you noticing it. So, please? For my sake?”

Oh Merlin, the eyes Sirius made at him were ridiculous. A grown-ass man shouldn’t utilise puppy eyes. It was embarrassing.  
Which sadly didn’t make them less effective.

Harry didn’t want to endure the amount of teasing he would bring upon himself by handing over the ‘book’. On the bright side, it would reinforce Sirius' belief that Harry was just in a hormonal phase and not up to something nefarious. He would be firmly back in Harry’s corner and defend him when the discussion about Harry going Dark would inevitably come up again. 

With a brightly flushed face, Harry held the bundle slowly out for Sirius to take. He would weather the teasing like a man, spike Sirius’ shampoo with Fred and George’s newly developed _Amazing Afro Addition,_ and reap the fruits of his sacrificed dignity - namely enjoying benefits based on Sirius’ renewed trust. 

Sirius had apparently expected more resistance if his baffled face was anything to go by. Nevertheless, he didn’t hesitate to take the bundle off Harry’s hands, although he was careful to keep it wrapped and to not touch directly what was laying within the cloth. 

Harry watched with no small amount of deprivation as Sirius waved his wand over the bundle, furrowed his brow at whatever it was his detection spell revealed, and unwrapped the book cover. When Sirius levelled an impressively flat stare at him, Harry couldn’t suppress the sheepish smile.

“I- Uhm. It’s a newfound interest?”

Sirius snorted, surprisingly not believing for a second in Harry’s half-assed claim of taking an interest in the history of flobberworm breeding.

“You know, I might be an adult but I’m not _old_ \- changing the cover won’t let me believe that you have found an interest in flobberworms of all things. As a Marauder, I’m disappointed that you-“

While speaking, Sirius had used a corner of the cloth to open the book and Harry braced himself for the teasing that he was about to receive - only for Sirius to leer at him and shoving the closed book back into Harry’s arms.

“Never mind, Prongslet, I’m delighted! Have fun with your history book on how to handle worms - don’t forget the silencing wards!” And with a last sleazy wink, Sirius was on his merry way again.

Harry almost missed their first talk on the topic - at least they had been equally embarrassed. 

  
  
  
  
  


Harry hadn’t dared to take a closer look at the magazines since he had found them a few days ago. He was blushing furiously whenever Sirius cackled without apparent reason even _without_ having visuals coming to mind, thank you very much.

But tonight…  
Sir had told Assistant in advance that he would be busy with an important meeting so Harry knew he had some sacred spare time tonight - which, of course, hadn’t deterred him from using his portkey. At the Dark Headquarters, he had more peace than would be ever imaginable for him in Grimmauld Place with all its nosy occupants. No Death Eater would dare to disturb Assistant or try to pry on whatever it was that Sir - _their Lord -_ taught him. Just to be sure though, he stayed in the office instead of the library. He _could_ retire to the bed in his rooms but- 

He felt more comfortable on their divan in Sir’s office.

And his plans for the evening required him to feel comfortable, didn’t they? Staying where he had spent countless hours firmly tucked into Sir’s side while they drank and chatted would not _disturb_ his mood. 

He had time, he had privacy and the right setting-  
So he should finally be able to take a good look at those magazines. 

In his anticipation - and trust into Sir’s words - he hadn’t even pulled on his hood before he activated his portkey. He felt safe to be Harry for the moment. It was only a matter of time until he would feel safe enough to trust Sir with his identity anyways. And if the reveal would happen _by accident_ , what was there for Harry to do to prevent it? It’s not like being Harry Potter was anything vital these days - broken prophecy and all - it would just be nice to not hide _anything_ from Sir any longer. 

Well, his identity at least. Harry wasn’t against keeping the magazines hidden because, _holy shit_ , he hadn’t been aware bending in such a way was even possible. 

Harry nursed some gin for courage while he leafed with increasing interest through various images of a slim man being bound in ways that probably shouldn’t be attempted without some serious stretches beforehand. He had always thought himself to be rather bendy and to have a good core strength - being a Seeker and a duellist with a penchant in quick dodging would do that - but apparently, Harry needed to reconsider his abilities. 

Hurt pride aside, this was so much better than the woman-only magazines which were regularly traded between the boy’s dorms in Gryffindor. Who cared about squishy breasts and curvy hips when they could have those hard lines and barely contained strength? 

The twinks that a few of the magazines solely focused on were nice to look at but - other than the magazine specialised on displaying them in an _appealing_ way - they didn't do much for Harry.

One or two magazines contained more bulked-up men - tall men who looked like they could break Harry in half without trouble and make him beg for more. Admittedly, he spent more time on these magazines than on the twinks - Harry could appreciate the view and the fantasy to some extent - but still, something was missing. 

At this point, while Harry was vaguely _interested_ , he wasn’t sure the magazines were worth the trouble they caused him in advance by just having them in his possession.

He refilled his drink, opened the last of the magazines without much expectations and-  
spit out the gin in his mouth and pulled on his trusty hood to flee into Assistant's more controlled mindset. 

_Shit!_

Assistant took a calming breath before he focused back on the _masterpiece_ that had fallen into his hands by sheer conscience. Said masterpiece didn’t reveal his face, but who cared for a face with that body on display? 

And contrary to the other publications, the man wasn’t even in a state of complete undress. The tight-cut black robe contrasted nicely against pale skin. It highlighted the width of his shoulders and the way the fabric fell indicated strong arms and a sculpted chest without baring them to Assistant’s eager eyes.

Instead, the photograph was focused on long, slender fingers, wrapped suggestively around a wand - and Assistant couldn’t refrain from imagining how these hands would look while taking hold of _his_ _wand_ that was already twitching. 

His ardour grew with every page, Assistant turned. Delightfully, the whole magazine was solely dedicated to the same man and on every page, the focus was on another body part, revealing more and more of the pale skin, the toned body that was hidden underneath the teasing piece of fabric. 

The strong thighs and shoulders especially had done _things_ to Assistant. And while he desperately wanted to lick the sharp-cut V of the hip bones, humble as he was, Assistant would settle for putting some colourful marks on the pale neck. 

He sighed. While the constant proximity to Sir made it impossible to _not_ be aware that he was attracted to older men - Wizard or not, with how long the stack of magazines had been untouched, it was doubtful the man was still in a desirable age range. 

Not that Assistant would be interested in meeting the man - there was only Sir worthy of his adoration. After all, _he_ was the whole reason why _Assistant_ even existed. And while Assistant’s adoration for Sir was strictly professional, he had it on good authority that Sir was at least as aesthetically pleasing as the man whose _features_ Assistant had done his best to commit to memory over the last half an hour. 

With a careful hand, Assistant traced the hard bulge in the front of his trousers and bit back a sigh while he shuddered upon the touch. Oh yes, the glimpse he got after his birthday had been more than enough to gauge this much about Sir’s physique. But he shouldn’t- 

He should focus back on the magazine that sadly had only one page left. Assistant turned the last page and nearly choked on his spit because Sir was looking him right into the eyes, sporting a taunting smirk. 

Only-  
It wasn’t _his_ Sir, was it? 

On an imposing throne, with his knees spread wide apart and hips cocked to accentuate the long and _thick_ member - that Assistant could only guess on before - resting proudly on a ripped stomach, his chin lazily supported on a fist while his arm was casually propped on the armrest, sat Sir. He looked almost the same but the arrogant air around him let him seem to be so much younger than how Assistant knew him. 

Of course, having seen the previous pictures, Assistant wouldn’t _deny_ him if he were to proposition him - the thought wouldn’t even occur to him - but he was so much more attracted to the dignified and sophisticated air around Sir than he was to the arrogance surrounding this junior Dark Lord who had, according to the message printed next to the picture, given these magazines as a boon to those who had spent a _generous_ amount for the funds of his cause. 

Assistant smirked amused. Apparently, Sir had always been crafty with gathering funds. 

But no matter how hard he tried to focus solely on the letters, his eyes roamed back over the body beside them and his _excitement_ continued to make itself known. 

Surely he could-?

“Assistant! How delightful to see you eager to learn as always!”

The door at his back being thrown open had Assistant clutching the magazine to his chest and jolting up into a more proper sitting position on reflex - not that it would have mattered with how, at this point, everyone and their house-elf had seen him _sprawled_ over this very divan on more than one occasion, and rarely alone. 

Assistant was always thrilled to see Sir, but was one or two hours of privacy in the man’s office really too much to ask for? He had chosen the room because no one would dare to interrupt him in here (and maybe because he liked the decor. And the liquor. And the way the whole room just screamed of _Sir._ _)_

It was known that Sir had always been an extraordinary observant man - so Assistant had no illusions that he would miss his dishevelled attire. Sir could probably even, despite it being hidden by the hood, guess about his heated face, the glazed eyes, and bitten lips. But then again, dead useful as the hood was, it couldn’t hide everything, could it? In an attempted casual move, Assistant closed the magazine properly and placed it on his treacherous lap, hands folded primly on top to hide that it didn’t lie flat. 

Assistant didn’t think he could fool Sir into believing he was in any learning mood but he had to try. It was the polite thing to do. 

“Good evening, Sir. I had hoped our schedules wouldn’t clash tonight.” 

Sir waved him off. “I cut the meeting short when the wards announced your arrival. I trust you have been able to pass the time without me?” 

“Of course, Sir. I didn’t want to spoil the upcoming lesson so I chose some light reading instead.” 

The way Sir’s eyes wandered to the magazine - to Assistant’s poorly hidden lap - didn’t leave much room to doubt that Sir had noticed more about Assistant’s _passing of time_ than he had wanted him to. 

“I researched alternative methods of money funding since it was the reason you’ve initially started with the Dark Livestream.”

“Your penchant for taking initiative is enchanting as always, my dear Assistant. Have you found something… worth your while?”

The smirk on Sir’s face reminded Assistant uncomfortably of the last picture he had seen. _Uncomfortable_ mainly because his trousers weren’t designed to accommodate increasing content. 

It was a flaw he would need to find a way around - he wouldn’t change his new look that contributed a fair deal to his persona as Assistant, but now that the images had been seared into his mind, Assistant couldn’t fool himself into believing he wouldn’t need more space just to handle his regular encounters with Sir.

More space in his trousers that is, for there would be no additional distance to Sir - as he had just sprawled himself next to Assistant on the divan and as usual, opened his arm for Assistant to relax into his side, resting his head against Sir’s shoulder as was right. 

“Just an old campaign.” Assistant cleared his throat. “Is anything particular planned for tonight, Sir? I hadn’t expected to see you so soon and have a few matters I need to take care of.”

“Nothing that couldn’t wait for your return.” Sir’s smirk changing into an impish grin was the only warning before he snatched the magazine from under Assistant’s hands. 

“In the meantime, I’ll revise this old campaign you mentioned. It is never amiss to take a look back and check onto the progress that was made.”

Assistant stiffened, and even the thumb that drew calming circles onto his chest couldn’t help with the tension he felt when Sir opened the magazine randomly and was confronted with the sight of his own chiselled-like torso, entwined by a thick snake in vibrant colours. 

“Ah, I remember this one. Where did you say you came across it?”

Assistant opened and closed his mouth a few times helplessly without being able to say a word. The hand that had stopped with the circles in favour of stroking up and down his biceps didn’t help either. 

It was- 

He- 

_What?_

_“_ Oh, Assistant, you need not to worry. It’s merely that this had been published in a very limited edition, so for you to just find it- _oh my,_ have you been looking for it?”

And Sir smirked, almost leered, in such a devilish way at Assistant, it would put an incubus to shame. It didn’t help that Assistant was yet again reminded of the vision Sir had made the ‘morning’ after they had slept off their inebriation in the same bed, naked except for Assistant’s trusty hood. 

So Assistant _knew_ , Sir hadn’t lost any of his appeal over the decades since those pictures had been taken. On the contrary, to imagine Sir’s red eyes resting in a slightly aged face, Sir’s in endless hours of duelling toned body in the positions that were shown in some of these magazines-

“Are you feeling alright, Assistant?”

When had Sir’s face come this close? Had Assistant been so heavily distracted? 

“Of course, Sir.”

The breathy quality of his response let Sir’s smirk become even more predatory. Oh Merlin, Assistant needed a distraction before he would combust under the lazy bedroom eyes Sir was focusing on him. 

“Did it work?”

“...pardon?”

“The- uh. The fundraising. Did it work?”

“Ah, yes.” Despite the brief reeling, Sir took the change of topic in stride, leaned back again and waved his hand to command the utensils at the bar into action, letting them prepare some drinks. 

“It had been good, easy times. It’s incredible how much money one could make with a few mostly effortless pictures. It’s not like our vid-“

Just like Sir, the Cocktail shaker paused mid-action. It left the light sloshing of liquid and ice as the only sound in the sudden stillness of the room while Sir stared wide-eyed but unseeing down at Assistant, lips still slightly parted.

“...Sir?”

 _“_ You wouldn’t believe how much funds I gathered with just promising a few photographs for the top donators - not even wizarding photographs! - during a war-riddled time, when everyone was in the habit to hold on tightly on their money.” 

With carefully deliberate movements, Sir retraced his arm from around Assistant's shoulders and slid down off the divan to kneel in front of him, eyes still trailed on Assistant’s face - but now they were entirely focused and shone in an unholy light.

“How much more could we get with videos in a time where the people apparently don’t know what to do with all their money?!”

Assistant’s mind came to an abrupt halt when the realisation hit where Sir was going with this but- he wouldn’t, would he? 

The ‘simple photographs’ had already had an unexpected but non-deniable effect on Assistant, he didn’t dare to imagine what an effect it would have on him, to see Sir starring in the kind of videos he was implying.

“ _Hn_.”

Sir moved even closer, pressed himself between Assistant’s knees and rested his hands on either side of Assistant’s head, boxed him in where he tried to sit forcefully nonchalantly on the divan and was ridiculously grateful for the hood that hid his excitement much better than his skintight trousers.

“And- I wouldn’t be alone. You would assist, wouldn’t you - _my_ _darling Assistant_?”

  
  


_Oh fuck._

**Author's Note:**

> I have [tumblr](https://ellionne.tumblr.com/) now. Feel free to check it out and talk to me or something. :D
> 
> \----  
> Prompt:  
> Wizarding porno mags. Harry uncovers a stash of vintage magazines in the Room of Requirement - full of blokes, not like the mags that get passed around the Gryffindor common room which are all witches. He starts reading through the magazines, avidly, and bringing one or two at a time to his dorm as wank material-  
> And one of them 😳 is  
> this extremely hot guy that reminds Harry of someone he must have met once, but he has no idea when.  
> (In which Harry's favorite pornstar happens to be Tom Riddle. You didn't think Tom got all his travel money just from working at Borgin & Burkes, did you?)


End file.
